To my sons

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It also disconnects heads, I believe. And sometimes, if we’re not careful, it might even tear apart souls.

Not possible, you’d think, in a global scenario where distances, differences, even nationalities are collapsing at the touch of a few keystrokes on computers or mobile phones, or flying at the wings of airplanes or wheels of fast cars.

Yet, I feel the distance creeping into our relationships. Not probably into the relationship the two of you share: not yet, but, I feel, between you, collectively and individually and me.

I realize that as you grow, there’s a diminishing value that I can add to your lives. At least in the conventional parent-gives-child context, that we’re so used to. It’s already amply clear that you are better drivers than I, and far more likely to participate in rallies. Similarly; I can hardly offer any worthwhile addition to your learning in your respective fields of study. Or, for that matter, in matters of dressing, grooming or the social graces, where I believe you’re already ahead.

You might argue that you still need emotional support from me, particularly in times of crisis, and just ‘be there’. True, I will fulfill that role as long as I’m around, but really, can you truly say that this too, will not diminish gradually as other influences take root in your lives?

So, how can we save, indeed, improve our relationship despite the distances that will likely remain or grow in the years to come? Cliché-d as it may sound; we need to work at moving this relationship into a friend-gives-friend, or even, a child-gives-parent one, over time.

How? By sharing little things: the seemingly unimportant ones, if you like, more frequently. For I firmly believe, it’s through these that we will end up adding value to each others’ lives. After all, learning, at all stages, happens less through formal means, don’t you agree? Think about it: as children, you picked up much more by observing than through books; and now, more than ever, much of your growth happens outside classrooms. What you learnt from teachers and parents was not what they ‘taught’ you, but by what you imbibed from their speech, actions, and relationships. Similarly, when you share your thoughts with elders now, you will pick up invaluable tips and insights through the way they approach life, issues, tasks, anything. Precisely the thought behind apprenticeship, you’ll appreciate: in many trades, such as film-making and law, you become better by observing more mature minds at work. What you learn may not be earth-shatteringly different from what you expected in the first place, or vastly opposed to how you would tackle things your own way, but certainly it’s of great value. Take it or leave it, or synthesize it into your knowledge at some point: the choice is yours.

But ‘sharing’ is easier said than done, especially with parents. You’ll agree most of our chats are often oriented towards specific problems today. Nothing wrong with that, of course, because these need to be tackled forthwith, and together we do manage to fix them, nine times out of ten. But over time, let’s try and establish contact beyond the strictly need-based. I’d prefer to work towards the free-wheeling, thinking-aloud type sharing you do with friends, or with a diary, if that’s possible.

Understandably, face-to-face situations are better suited for this sort of exchange, but considering that we get, and are likely to get even less of, such opportunities, maybe we could make the best use of other options offered by technology such as mobile phones or Skype.

One other thing. When we exchange thus, it’s possible that parent or child roles will creep in. But that’s only to be expected, and to my mind can be worked around. In other words, pick out the gems from the stones by overlooking those tones and postures. You’ll likely find it easier to deal with your parents in this manner, I’d like to believe; and who knows, one day they might just become your best friends!

Whether that happens or not, ultimately, there’s another important relationship you guys need to worry about. And that’s the one between brother and brother: a relationship far more important than the one between us. Share despite distances: a thought I needn’t labour, I’m sure, but keeping in mind my own experience, would urge you to protect and nurture.

Here’s looking forward to more shared times, then, wherever we are…

Your ‘friendly’ dad.