Why I undertook a 28-hr train journey from Chennai to Delhi

1. It takes that many long hours. Though one has to admit it doesn't seem that many when you consider it's practically travelling from one end of the country to the opposite—almost like going from one country to another.
2. I have a masochistic streak that ensures I always do what others warn me against, and in the process, end up screwing my happiness. This is a central theme in Irvine Welsh’s (of ‘Trainspotting’ fame) works, and entirely true in my case.
3. This is part of my desire to travel the length and breadth of the country—something I should've done as a student—though I wish the train was a hop-on-hop-off variety, and most stations were air-conditioned.
4. Ideally attempted best by road, particularly if I had to blog about it, I reckoned rail was at least a start. Next in line should be a caravan pulled by an SUV, though I could settle for just an SUV, as long as it’s mean, rugged and macho, never mind its gas-guzzling ways. If anyone’s willing to sponsor, drop me a line.
5. I find it amusing to listen in on Tamil conversations, pretending I can't follow what's being said, when in fact, I can, unless there are numbers involved, where I get hopelessly muddled.
6. I have a good friend in the Railways who unfailingly gets seats confirmed at short notice (well, almost always, God bless him).
7. It's a good lesson in catching up with the real India—passengers, bureaucracy, workers, countryside, smelly loos and a constant pain in the back.
8. It's a good deal cheaper than the not-so-low-price airlines, especially when you're not chasing your own tail in the frenetic corporate world, rushing from meaningless meeting to meaningless meeting.
9. I had all the time in the world, and in any case, who wants to hurry to an empty house. Well, in hindsight, the lure of your own bed, after that tossing around on arbitrary berths is considerable, empty house or not.
10. I needed to clear the cobwebs in my mind, and think afresh about this new phase of my life. OK, also to postpone the new beginning by a bit.
11. I like the crunchy bread-sticks they serve with soup in the trains—as also the yellow butter that I consume without guilt on such rare occasions.
12. With the money saved, I get to log more travel miles on more journeys in my cosmic travel plan, which, it turns out, is dynamically extending in sync with my good health.
13. I get to see so many curtains creating so many fiercely-created private spaces in an otherwise clearly public place that it borders on the ridiculous.
14. Away from the airports, it reminds me of the yet thriving community of TTEs, ASMs, RPF, and countless, faceless others that work tirelessly, and often for a pittance, in ludicrous clothes and practices left behind by the British.
15. It convinces me that despite the rapid strides made by the aviation sector, India is still largely moved by the wheels of her Railways, easily the largest and most diverse network in the world.
16. Frankly, because Delhi was not going to come to Chennai, not only because the Vindhyas came in between, but also the tensions caused by the relatively modern spectre called 2G put together so creatively by Kanimozhi and Raja.
17. It lets you justifiably exist in a fluid cocoon away from the rest of the world for an extended period of time, with selective percolation of only those things you want, via the smartphone. All the while letting you believe that you're doing something worthwhile, as you have a goal you're moving towards.
18. For legitimately enjoying, as an adult, the rhythmic rocking and swaying motion we've never forgotten since our days in the crib, and which can never be duplicated in a car unless its suspension is badly buggered.
19. Perhaps the only way one can actually see parallel lines meet, and quickly disappear into tangents as the train switches tracks, quite the metaphor for life's twists and turns whizzing past, seldom within control.
20. It was the only way I could replay a similar journey I'd undertaken (though in reverse, from Calcutta to Madras, as they were called then) at the start of my work life. The circumstances are similar, though three decades have passed, and as I stand on the threshold of a new career, I wanted this second innings to start in the same fashion, in an attempt to answer: have I really become any wiser?
21. The true Indian character is more on display in trains and stations rather than in planes and airports. Right from loud talking, striking inane conversations with total strangers, displaying undue familiarity via probing personal questions, taking shoes, and other articles of clothing, off in public, eating mannerlessly, travelling with copius amounts of luggage, we Indians are completely at home on trains. This is stuff we can't see on trains abroad, so why not live it unabashedly here, once a while?
22: I feel you're somehow more 'grounded' while travelling on a train, though unlike my wife, I don't feel it's 'safer', if statistics are to be relied on. Of course, because it's a good deal more cumbersome, such adventures are best advised less frequently.
23. I get more time to catch up on my reading, and sleep, apart from updating my blog, The most meaningful, of course, and the one that contributes most to society is the sleep part, as that creates an effective counterpoint to the typical loud behaviour evident on trains.
24. Trains are possibly the only vehicles where you get air blown on your ass even as you crap. Now that, and the unusual noise in the loos might be a source of worry for some like my son, but for me, it's exciting, as it harks me back to my childhood, when I first came to grips with this situation.
25. I don't want to be responsible for any dips in Indian Railways' financial performance, so it's a good idea to give them my custom, though I'd be loathe to sign on as a frequent traveller. After all, it's not just Jet and Kingfisher that should dominate my share of wallet.
26. Compared to both road and air travel, train travel is certainly greener per passenger carried. This definitely qualifies for a big thumbs-up. Now, we could really talk if someone would develop solar power solutions for powering trains—though they would have to contend with the issue of cloudy skies during the monsoons.
27. My grandfather, so the story goes, was found abandoned as an infant in a train compartment, by a gentleman who worked in the Railway Police, who took him home and raised him to be a fine young man, and a Railway Police Inspector. With railway blood running through me it's little wonder I support the Railways whenever I can, though I have to admit I've never considered working for them, even in my wildest dreams.
28. I reckon if 27 reasons are not enough to convince you, my inventing a last one will hardly matter, so here it is anyway: if you've read so far, the Railways' equity and positive word of mouth has already expanded—and that wouldn't have been possible had I not undertaken this journey in the first place!

How abnormal are you?

All our lives, we're taught to be normal. Whether it concerns your education, occupation, relationships, marriage, attire or etiquette, it's drilled into you at every step of the way, that it makes sense to conform. By the time you're 4 years old, give or take a few months, you're taught 'manners', and the 'right' and 'acceptable way of doing virtually everything. Write with your right hand, greet people with a smile, dress appropriately, study hard, go to college, marry at the right age, respect elders and superiors, take care of your family, help the poor: who isn't familiar with the script by now? Whether it's your conduct, ideals or even role models, all prescriptions have to do with normality. If you're not like others, you're in some sense not adequate: normal is right, normal is expected, normal is good. And by corollary, abnormal is an aberration, abnormal is weird. Heck who wants an abnormal child, husband or father?

Yet, when you think of great people, how many normal or conformist personalities come to your mind? Einstein, Da Vinci, Gandhi, Picasso, Michael Jackson, Liz Taylor, Bill Gates, Dhoni: just how normal were/are they? Try again: do u remember the normal teacher, the sweet friend, the nice hero, the easy general, the soft-spoken corporate czar or the 'proper' politician?
Nyet, non, nien, NO! You remember the strict teacher, the class bully, the dangerous lover, belligerent general and the devious tyrant, instead.

And there's a reason for this. Because our minds are so full of the same sameness, anything that sticks out sticks to the memory. Which is probably why we tend to remember something that stands out, even if it is classified as unethical or wrong; things and people that are different, quirky, weird or nerdy in some sense; concepts and people who've moved substantially away from the normal. If you've studied that part of marketing that deals with Positioning, you'll get my drift.

Once you admit this, it's not a great leap to ask: why is it that we persist in saluting sameness and normality? Why do we teach our children to conform? Why don't we push them to follow up their crazy dreams? Why don't we support eccentricity in employees? Why don't we routinely do something unexpected, wild or wicked?

At this stage of our evolution, it might do us some good to step back and consider why we don't systematically and endemically encourage creativity, even, a little 'madness' at every step of our journeys in life. When your child writes a horror story, pat her on the back, and marvel at his imagination when he acts like a buffoon. And don't stop when you find yourself breaking into a song for no reason, or wanting to quietly drive away to the hills, all by yourself. For out of such contrary behavior is born greatness. Not that we don't know this - but somehow, nine times out of ten, we believe such things are OK for geniuses, but not for us. True, thinking differently, or 'out of the box' is now somewhat in vogue, particularly in some fields, but it is still regarded largely as a problem-solving technique, a deviation rather than a rule. When, if ever, will we give non-conformity the centrality and respect it deserves? When will we proudly celebrate the 'idiot' in us?

Two arguments to the contrary need to be considered here. One which maintains that quirky-ness doesn't equal brilliance. Are you sure? Isnt history replete with examples of men who were dumped as outcastes in their lifetimes but revered later? One age's madness is another's genius: otherwise how do you explain the vision of Copernicus, or Guru Dutt?

The other argument might be expected from the moralists. Is it not enough to be good and proper and live your life as God would have it: no lies or curse-words, no cheating, acceptable manners, and a generally cheerful demeanor that suggests we're all living in Utopia? Seriously, in today's, why, every period's dog-eat-dog world, show me more than a handful of people who are content living such a life, when there awaits a world of opportunities for those who can grab them. One could even argue that by being good and expected, you will at best touch the lives of a limited few people like your family and associates. But who wants such an epitaph, when by being different, even 'bad' you can leave a much larger impact? After all, we all overlook the many dalliances of men like Picasso and focus instead on their work.

So in the end, the choice is yours: a life of normalcy, goodness and obscurity, or one of feisty difference, dreaming and living your own dream, by your own standards, even if it ruffles many feathers in your lifetime? For me, the choice couldn't be clearer, and if you can't see it, you're too normal!

Predeath

Of late, I've started living in mortal dread of death. Well, not death itself, but all that precedes it. Irreversible degenerative afflictions leading to a state of dependency on others, having to leave in a state of unpreparedness, and leaving a dirty footprint, are all the pre-death issues that terrify me more than death itself.

Topping the list is easily the deadly possibility that despite my regular visits to the gym, accompanied by a near obsessive compulsive attention to diet, I'm still scared that one day, I might turn into a vegetable myself. I hate to think that it is within the realm of possibility, even though a glance at the mirror suggests the probability is remote, that I may end up in bed, not being able to move my limbs or worse still, my lips, and be dependent on others to feed, clothe and shave me. Some may think that it's a privilege to be cared for by following generations, but I'd rather my kids went about their business as usual, and washed their kids' asses than mine. And I just can't live with the thought that when it's time to pull the plug, it will be my children who will be faced with the unpleasant task. Hell why put them through this--it's simpler to write down instructions for the doctor myself. What if Euthanasia is not legalised in India by then? Well, if doctors also decide to turn incorruptible at the same time, the simple answer would be to go to a country where it is. So there: my first resolution for the rest of my days is made--the only thing left is to put pen to paper and notarise or otherwise legalise it, before dementia sets in, and I forget.

Which brings me to the wider issue of what a dear friend termed 'preparing for death' during the course of a recent discussion. To many, the notion that one can, or ought to, prepare for this eventuality, much like one prepares for higher studies, marriage, or a child, is absurd. Why, I ask? Is it really that stupid to prepare for the ONE eventuality that is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN? Why is writing a will not cool, when buying insurance is? It's a bit late now, but had I realised this simple truth earlier, I might even have considered venturing into this potential business--I can even see the brand possibilities for something like 'How to leave with a smile (and without a wallet)'. More I think about it, the more I'm convinced--just consider at a conservative estimate, that two thirds of all who die (and there are around a hundred of them who oblige, every minute), leave behind unaccounted property, bank accounts, pets, and occasionally, mistresses. Doesn't say much about the most intelligent animal on two legs, you'll have to admit, but then until he evolves, one man’s misfortune will continue to be another’s opportunity. So, whether ‘death preparers’ becomes as valid a career option as ‘tax preparer’ or not, I promise to take matters into my hands soon enough, and not be caught on the back foot when the googly is bowled at me.

Finally, I argue, if one has to leave, as everyone must, one day, why raise smoke and noise on the way out? I admit I've dirtied the earth enough with my filthy carbon footprint during my lifetime, and can’t justify leaving a trail after I leave. And though the Hindu system of disposing of their dead is supposed to be ‘hygienic’, it certainly isn’t green. Right from the piles of wood required for the pyre, to the clouds of smoke emitted into the skies, to the ashes that are immersed in rivers, the colour of death is decidedly more grey than green. Which is why I must insist on being pushed gently into an electric crematorium, when it’s time. Having survived numerous shocks in my life, some mild and others not so mild, I daresay I’ll be reasonably prepared for the bigger one, hopefully because it’ll be my last one.

Of suspicious types

It happens. Contrary to what rationality suggests, and what your parents tried to tell you for ages, you tend to fall prey to it. Despite your best efforts to not judge people without full knowledge, you tend to slot them into those who you can trust and those you can’t. “I really like him,” to “This is going to be a disaster,” to “Uh oh, maybe it’ll get better if I continue to smile,” are the instinctive dialogues you have with your judgment as you encounter people everyday. And as Malcolm Gladwell maintains, it all happens in the blink of an eye.

As I grow older and hopefully wiser, I’ve been trying to figure out if this is a carefully learnt and evolved tendency based upon circumstance and an informed understanding of human behaviour, or just plain old shooting from the gut. I have to confess that I’m still largely unsure.

Is there a pattern to my reactions? Are there specific personality types I dislike? Is there something about how people look, what they wear, or what their names are? Or has it something to do with the way they greet me or say their goodbyes that raises my hackles? The answer is: I simply don’t know!

What I can say is that there are certain types that come to mind as I write, that qualify for an instant loss of trust. See if you can make out a pattern here, or identify with any of them from your own experiences.

Those unknowns who send you friend requests on Facebook
Agreed that Fb is a ‘social tool’ and many would like to exploit it to its full, especially as long as it’s free, but this is like accosting strangers on the road and insisting that they shake hands with you, smile, and drive you to their homes to meet their family and friends. Thanks, but no thanks!

Those who drive Wagon-Rs
I’m OK with the snobbery of the glitterati, who are limousine-driven from party to party. I will even stand the brashness of the alpha male who glowers at the lesser mortals from his oversized SUV. What I can’t seem to understand is the person who drives a Wagon-R. I mean, which right-minded member of the human species would drive that, that thing? Resultantly, I rapidly put distance between my car and Wagon-Rs, whenever I chance upon one on the streets.

Those who open their letters with ‘hope this finds you in the best of health and spirits…’
Maybe it was OK once upon a time in the leisurely pen-to-paper era, but today? Whenever I see such an opening, it seems to me a. the writer has too much time b. is waffling till he finds the appropriate words, or worse, c. is completely confused about the effect of booze on health.

Those who drive without shoes, or slippers
It is said that after God made man, he made footwear for woman, not because he wanted her to walk or run, but to use as a tool for preening and self-defence. At least when shoes or chappals are not used for such noble purposes, they ought to be worn while driving. Surprises me how many women fling off their fancy footwear and hit the pedals with their petite, pedicured feet. Trust a woman driving without shoes, sandals or slippers? No way!

Those who call you ji, or sir
Maybe it’s a hangover that persists from the Raj, but to me it’s always a bit demeaning to be called ‘sir’ by other human beings, particularly when they’re old enough to know better. On the other hand, though proponents of tehzeeb might be forgiven for suffixing a ‘ji’ when they address you, the same can’t be said about the sundry telecallers who bugger your existence every waking hour by intruding your private space with a sugar coated ‘ji’. By far the biggest culprits, however, are the overzealous types who simply combine the two and call you ‘sirjee’ to cajole you into agreeing with them!

Those who wear safari suits, or white shoes
This has to be a latent distrust born out of over-exposure to Bollywood and its clichés. It’s not true that the days of the safari-suit villain and the jumping-jackass in pointy-white shoes hero, are gone. You still encounter them in sundry public-sector offices or at fashion-weeks. But boy, will they ever get my sympathies or a lick of my lollipop? Not likely!

Those who yak away at the treadmill
There’s a misapprehension, particularly among women of a certain age and size that chatting while walking or running on the treadmill helps burn calories faster. When specially created and focused glares fail to work, I normally shut my eyes and start running faster, in the equally erroneous belief that the extra release of endorphins will have the miraculous effect of shutting them up.

I knew I was 50 when

The fact that I’m reacting to my 50th birthday that passed away in the last week of November now, is only one symptom of what age does to you. If, indeed this is a ‘golden’ milestone, then surely, there’s more to the sunset than just its colour! At this poignant juncture, which happily coincides with the turn of a calendar year as well, do you remember the brilliant brightness of the day that’s gone past, or build a shiny edifice for the one that’s to follow? Do you sink deep into the darkness that’s about to fall or remember how you lifted yourself from the nightmares you’ve been through?

Whatever one’s style of pontification, one can’t escape certain realisations and truths about life at this point. So, I knew I was 50 when:

1. I didn’t get up on my birthday expecting everyone to be really nice to me just because I happened to be one of the thousands who was born that particular day.
2. I calculated that, being the optimist that I am, I’m still younger than many of my class-fellows from school.
3. I found that I’d started noticing attractive women 35 years or older.
4. My girlfriend started treating me more like a buddy and her kids, like a grand-daddy.
5. ‘Just Do It’ began to sound more like a sexual imperative than a call to good health.
6. I felt convinced that since there was no scientific or for that matter even historical basis for the claim 'naughty at forty' I could seriously have 'naughty at fifty' as my inspiration for the next decade.
7. I finally started treating my wife as my buddy, even though I can no longer eat her ‘mooli-ka-parathas’ because they’re not a patch on my mother’s.
8. I began eating 4 and 6-egg omelettes in a bid to quickly finish the quota destined for me.
9. I stopped answering all texts on occasions like Diwali and Christmas as my contribution to puncturing the self-esteem of those moronic Service Providers.
10. I no longer jumped 2 steps at a time to get to my second-floor bedroom, yet spent double the time walking on the treadmill than the year before.
11. I basically figured out the difference between proteins and carbs, and bad
carbs and worse carbs.
12. I understood that because matter is convertible, I’ll eventually lose weight when I turn into gas, but I’m hoping it won’t be too pungent and obnoxious.
13. My knees started aching after a half-day climb in the hills.
14. My bar was stocked full of the choicest alcohol, yet I couldn't partake any of it for fear of upsetting my gym instructor.
15. I finally got the toned body that I wanted, albeit after a delay of some 25 years, but which nevertheless helps me hide some of them.
16. I started ruffling up my hair and puffing out my chest every time I glanced at my reflection, in a vain attempt to catch my own attention.
17. I began wearing tight jeans, T-shirts and sneakers with a vengeance that surprised even myself.
18. I figured that I could no longer drive non-stop, all day and night, much as I fancied.
19. I started driving slower than usual, persuaded that my car had equal rights to live through its designated life, too.
20. I finally gave up cursing at other drivers on the road mainly because I ran out of creative expletives.
21. I began to agree that the journey was the real thing, and the destination just a brief pause until the next one.
22. I stopped measuring success in rupees and curves, and started focusing on inches and mass instead.
23. I gave up thinking I was brilliant at any one particular thing, but realized I was moderately good at anything I attempted: a sort of all-trades Jackass.
24. I discovered it’s better to build lives than institutions, and if you’re lucky, yours would be included in that process.
25. I came to grips with the idea of enjoying the moment chiefly because I’d forget if today was yesterday or tomorrow.
26. I started fighting for the remote in a bid to spend quality time with myself.
27. I figured that winning the National Lottery would give me considerably less pleasure than spending an evening with Monica Belluci.
28. I started calling up my boys at least once a day, just to chat up about nothing in particular, only to be told that they were busy, and that I would get a call back.
29. I started hating hospitals like the plague, and decided that the gym, though a bit more tiring, is definitely the better place to spend my remaining time in.
30. I grew a deep distrust of doctors in general and slick-looking, glib-talking, hip-shooting, foreign-returned ones working in upscale hospitals (read hotels) in particular.
31. I wrote down a list of some 10 things to do before I get Alzheimer’s, but haven’t been able to locate that sheet of paper since.
32. I lost the taste for management books and instead enjoyed reading Hinduism’s Seven Spiritual Laws.
33. I admitted that focus is a good deal better than multitasking, unless of course, one’s talking about sex.
34. I figured why Somerset Maugham called life a piece of carpet that you unraveled, one thread at a time.
35. I stopped treating ‘uncle’ and ‘aunty’ as bad words.
36. I realised that the number of friends on my Facebook is not likely to cross the average120, so I might as well give up visions of inching close to the number my kids can boast of.
37. I realised that almost always, my emails and texts contain full words and proper grammar and punctuation, but almost never any emoticons.
38. I gave up remote control of my kids’ lives (well, almost!).
39. I could relax in the back seat of my car while my sons took turns driving it.
40. I started believing we should've had more kids if only to fill up all these damned rooms we've built in our house.
41. I figured it's better to be a nail than a hammer, as it's too tiring to keep hitting someone's head beyond a point.
42. I noticed that though I continue to have the recurring dream where I'm running without any clothes on, my speed is considerably slower.
43. I started missing my parents more than ever.
44. The new four-letter words that crept into my vocabulary included ‘life’ and ‘will’.
45. I discovered that gains became more a factor of relationships than financial investment.
46. I realized vision had almost always to be supported not by good sense but by spectacles.
47. I learnt that it’s better to call up friends to express your love before it’s too late, even if it means leaving a message in their voice-mail box.
48. I discovered that there are now too many Namits around, and that hardly does any good for my self-esteem, going forward.
49. I learnt that 50 is just another number, though not quite like 25.
50. I learnt that reaching 50 was easier than writing this piece, and there’s no way I’ll attempt this exercise when I turn 100.

Gentlemen prefer blondes.

And brunettes. And all women who're neither. And that’s true not just of gentlemen, but all men. So claim women.

‘Why do men two-time?’ must surely rank as one of the most perplexing issues to ever stare (wo)mankind in the face, close to ‘Is There Life Beyond My Misery’ if not others such as ‘Are We Alone In The Universe’ or ‘Is There A God (to punish the bastards)’.

Sure, this debate makes headlines and cocktail-conversation at times when Tigers lose the woods for the babes, but it’s a topic which I suspect rarely leaves the individual or collective consciousness of the fairer sex, even when asleep.

Implicit in this accusation, of course, are a number of assumptions that my chauvinistic rational male mind refuses to accept. Chief of which is the one-man-one-woman paradigm that we’ve been conditioned to live with, thanks largely to the Church. When elementary science books describe as perfectly normal the behaviour of all male species, however evolved genetically, to seek out and mate with multiple females in order to reproduce, emphasize power, demarcate territory or simply show strength, how can we fight nature? Similarly, any cursory reading of history will reveal that across civilisations, humans have not been essentially monogamous. Hell, even today, Islam, the world’s second largest faith and growing, provides men with an option of taking multiple wives, and we’re all aware of numerous tribes that encourage sleeping around before, and even after, getting married.

How then, can we equate the term ‘faithful’ with monogamy? And why should we listen to this particular rant of priests, when we barely listen to them otherwise and dismiss them as irrelevant when it comes to issues like homosexuality and contraception?

Another erroneous assumption is that women are somehow less inclined to bed-hop, especially once they’re married (thankfully, even ladies admit that for every Tiger, there are at least ten nubile females who are perfectly willing to throw themselves at him, powered by motivations very similar to those of men, ie lust, power and success). With a unique multi-orgasmic capacity and persistent complaints of how the average man is incapable of satisfying a woman even after years of hard labour, it’d be surprising if women were to find comfort merely in vibrators and not actively seek sex. Though published statistics may not support this, I’m willing to bet that the urge to experiment and philander is as endemic to wives, the only difference being that they are prone to ‘showing off’ their conquests somewhat less than their husbands.

Anyway, does infidelity become real only in bed and backseats of cars, or is it equally valid when indulged in the mind? If you accept that, girls are as guilty as boys, for isn’t it true that they talk about or fantasize as much about being with other men, even when hooked? Or, that they would not give-in to temptations as easily, if they were not scared of societal consequences? Methinks that’s not the case, and that the main reason why more skeletons don’t tumble out of women’s closets is that they’re simply more prudent.

A point that many women offer in defence of being involved with just one man is that it is impossible to be ‘in love’ with more than one person at a time. Now, though I may agree that most beds in today’s tiny flats are not indeed, ‘King-sized’, it is difficult to imagine how it is not feasible to open one’s heart to more than one person. After all, we do shower affections on more than one child at a time, and siblings grow up to be perfectly well-adjusted adults! And are we seriously saying that orgies are a figment of some pornographer’s imagination, or a hallucination that affected ancient sculptors so badly that they fervently started carving such scenes on the walls of temples?

In any case why must a man’s capability of shouldering familial responsibilities be adversely affected just because he spends a pleasurable night, or two, with another woman? Isn’t that as absurd as suggesting that he starts neglecting his wife just because he’s brought home a new Beamer or a handsome Alsatian? Think, if this were the case, would the learned Mullahs allow a devout Muslim more than one wife?

With so much evidence to support it, why can’t women accept the fact that it’s perfectly normal for humans to be attracted to multiple others, and just because a man has sex outside of marriage, he doesn’t become a dog overnight?

Maybe I’m not very perceptive or privy to the latest psychological analysis of female paranoia, but I suspect it’s because secretly, every woman wants that her man prefer no other female than herself. It is simply beyond her to accept that her husband can find someone else more alluring, or succumb to charms other than those involved in making intelligent conversation. In other words, it’s plain jealousy that drives her to build all this hocus-pocus. In actual fact, she knows all about human nature only too well, and it’s the ignominy of knowing that some other specimen of her own species was better than her, if only temporarily, in netting the man who was and should’ve remained under her control.

And it’s under such circumstances that all hell breaks loose, the woman accuses her man of infidelity, calls him and his entire race immoral, and threatens to walk out. Sadly, it’s the man who puts his career on hold, apologises in public and in court, and starts counting all those assets which will soon cease to be his, and generally feels humiliated and utterly sorry for himself.

Whereas in reality, the gentleman in question should pour himself a shot of nice brandy, light up a cigar, straighten his tie, get into his comfortable car, and start looking around for the next available object that he can shower his affections on, and generally behave like the Tiger that he is. Women, after all, will be women, and there’s no reason to spoil a perfectly nice evening with all this humbug now, is there?

Alternate Alternator

Sometimes it takes rather unusual circumstances to discover an unusual spirit in unexpectedly unusual people in the most unusual of places. And when this does happen, it becomes a rare Eureka-feeling that puts a smile on your face and a spring in your walk, leaving a remarkable positivity in the goodness that lies around, making you wonder why you didn’t notice it before.

It all began when my wife’s Fiat Siena packed up because of a faulty alternator (the electrical device that supposed to charge the battery whenever the car’s running). The workshop where it was towed to raised their hands: the alternator couldn’t be repaired, and what’s worse, said spare part was not in stock, nor available at any other Fiat dealer. After waiting for over a week, we decided to take matters in our own hands, and picking up the defective alternator, made the arduous journey from Gurgaon to Kashmere Gate on a Saturday evening.

As if the roads were not bad enough on the first Navratra evening when Delhiites were ushering in the forthcoming festival season with a pious trip to the temples, thanks to a couple of wrong turns in the Walled City, we ended up honking our way through bumber-to-bumper traffic in narrow bylanes of Azad Market and Mori Gate before we reached the spare parts market in Kashmere Gate, said to be among the largest in Asia, just as shutters were being downed. More than 2 hours after we’d started, in a very foul mood, indeed.

Luckily, we found a dealer who did have the part in stock, and was willing to sell it at a good 15% less than what the workshop would’ve charged: but that’s not what this story’s about. This one started when I casually plonked the old alternator on his table, enquiring if there was any chance of it being repaired, before we shelled out the considerable 9,800 rupees for a new one.

Surprisingly, the dealer, who’s not my friend, nor related to me in any way, was nice enough to suggest that we check that out with a particular mechanic just round the corner. Picking up the dusty old alternator, we wound our way through an alley that houses the once glorious Minerva theatre to an old decrepit shop right opposite the entrance to Delhi Railway Station, called Hind Batteries.

The time was close to 7.30 pm and the staff was preparing to leave for the day, when we put down the alternator on the rather modest work-table cluttered with wires, tools, soldering iron, et al, with the dubious question: can this be made to work? What followed, over the next hour and a half, so pleasantly surprised us that we left reaffirming our faith in humanity, and in particular the ingenuity and never-say-die spirit of the Indian workman.

Much has been said about the essential ‘jugaadu’ character of Indians: the ability to find workable yet cheap fixes to just about any problem, and each one of us has encountered this special talent at some point or the other. But what we saw that evening was something much, much more.

A casual look around was enough to gather that this was a small business belonging to a family of sardars: the chief was a tall and burly cut-surd, the man at the reception an elder brother or cousin wearing a pagree, and a couple of sardar apprentices, one of whom seemed to be the man-at-the-counter’s son, were busy running around.

The man could’ve said he was about to close, or knowing the price of a new alternator, quoted an abnormally high figure for fixing it, but he did neither. Instead, without as much as a word in response, he began testing the alternator for available current. Then, systematically, the cut-surd and his team began to strip the alternator bit by bit, testing for current generation at every step.

As my wife and I watched fascinated, not so much by what all goes into an alternator, for there must’ve been a dozen or more sub-assemblies that unfolded, but by the attitude of the workers. They all remained extremely focused on the job: now tackling the million screws that seemed jammed from years of service to a demanding but ageing engine, tapping or levering open the layers of sub-parts, little by painful little. Never once did any of them display any impatience, nor for that matter any other emotion that a lay-person like me quickly feels when confronting machines. In fact very little was even said: the scene resembled a very efficient operation theatre where an open hand was a clear request for a new tool, and a specific look a sufficient order to clean up a particular part. The analogy to an operation being performed is rather apt: only in this case, what shone through was each team-member’s humility and focus: mind you, they were all staying back well beyond their normal working hours and if anyone had a problem with that, it never showed.

We were so engrossed in the process that we hardly realized when an apprentice stepped out to fetch a replacement part from a nearby shop, or when another slipped upstairs to clean specific parts which were being removed. I tried to remember when I’d last seen a more comfortable team working, communicating, vibing so perfectly: certainly not in the many large corporations we routinely do business with. The harmony was so understated, it contrasted sharply with all that we normally associate with the shrieking media world, and the feeling of trust and understanding was so palpable that we couldn’t help but contrast it with the back-stabbing ways of our politicians. Here then, was a microcosm of an ideal world: humble souls toiling away in perfect accord to solve a problem, driven not by greed, but by the scientific attitude, oblivious to minor details like the time and their surroundings. Which incidentally, you can picture: a hot, humid and unventilated shop right opposite the Delhi Railway Station on Hamilton Road, with a stream of unending vehicles honking their way in both directions, struggling through a sprinkling of cows, stray dogs and a sea of humanity.

We weren’t sure what exactly impressed us most about this situation: was it the spirit of ‘jugaad’, the quiet pride of a craftsman, or simply dignity of labour even in the most oppressive conditions? Or just the fact that life is best approached one simple task at a time? But as the team began putting the repaired and serviced alternator back again, their story was revealed in snatches of reluctant conversations, putting into perspective a little of what we’d witnessed.

Hind Batteries was setup by Jagtar’s father, apparently the 93rd engineer in Punjab’s history, after he moved to Delhi from Jalandhar years ago, in 1937. The shop catered to the electrical needs of the few cars that the very wealthy owned back then. Contrary to his father’s wishes, young Jagtar did not study to become an engineer but apprenticed with him, picking up skills on the job, and has been running the business now for over 40 years. There have been ups and downs: he lost out to brothers in a dispute after his father passed on, he's taken up battery dealerships, but the 54-year old Jagtar has kept the flag flying: today, when a Pajero, or Skoda owner from far-away Gurgaon or NOIDA needs a self-starter or alternator fixed, his services are sought out. For unlike the changing world where minor faults and the profit motive drive workshops to replace rather than repair, Jagtar and his team always approach the problem with an engineer’s mind, and create a solution, even when there is no apparent answer. Despite his circumstances, Jagtar is more proud of the fact that his son is studying to become an engineer, and till then, he doesn’t mind toiling like he always has.

In the end, we paid 3400 rupees for the job, about one-third of what we would’ve, if we’d bought a new alternator from Kashmere Gate, or one-fourth if we’d bought one from Fiat. Of this incidentally, the labour charge was just 300, and Jagtar was willing to waive off 35 to round it off to the nearest 100! For people like us who’re accustomed to routinely paying insane charges at fancy, ‘modern’ workshops, this naturally, came as a pleasant surprise.

You may call it bad pricing, a lack of knowledge of economics and opportunity-costs, or simply a case of illiteracy leading to low awareness, but the fact is, Jagtar and team were genuinely happy that they had fixed a problem for a couple that came knocking at their door from so far away. On our part, we certainly came away far happier at having discovered an alternate reality in this otherwise sad world: and sure enough, the drive back to Gurgaon seemed like a breeze that night.

Presbyopium

I thought I might as well do it. Now, before it becomes too late, and I begin to teeter-totter and have trouble spelling Alzheimer. So there, that’s my contribution to the English language. Whether it’ll make it to the Oxford dictionary or will simply be relegated to another book on sniglets, it’s too early to say, but I’m hoping that the word will get at least some of the necessary Press it so deserves.

In case you’re wondering what it really means, Presbyopium describes the condition where spouses of members of the Press get to unfairly enjoy the perks meant, in effect only, for their spouses. For the more literally inclined, its etymology can be traced to Press (as in 'printing', and also an euphemism for Power), Opium (the heady, often unreal feeling induced by power, including 'Press' power), and has as its inspiration, Presbyopia, the condition where the eye exhibits a progressively diminished ability to focus on near and obvious objects with age.

Presbyopium begins with the occasional accompaniment to a fashion show, graduates to dinners at fancy restaurants, and ultimately descends to an unending spiral of free holidays at exotic locations. Without realizing it and for no real fault of theirs other than being married to the right person in the wrong job, Presbyopiates get so used to a lifestyle of decadence, they often have trouble focusing on real life as it passes by at close quarters. It is strongly rumoured that in their next lives, they usually get reborn as flies and mosquitoes who get swatted repeatedly with folded newspapers and magazines, and it normally takes them at least seven and a half births to set their sins right.

Almost all Presbyopiates go through distinct life-stages, following an alarmingly screenplay-type narrative, except that it unfolds in reverse, and in the end, it’s always the ever-powerful Press that wins. At first, our unlikely hero, completely unaware of the greatness destined to be thrust upon him, denies any rights towards perks being offered through status of spouse. ‘Just because the invite says admit 2 doesn’t entitle me to sit in the front row and watch that fashion show’, or ‘You have to eat at that restaurant because you have to write about it, but that doesn’t mean I should have a free lunch too’, or ‘Really, I’m not entitled to spend a weekend at that resort just because I happen to be your husband’ are often heard arguments, which are struck down skillfully, as you guessed it, by the Mighty Pen of the Press. This is followed by a stage of deepening conflict as our hero fights with his mind, conscience and spouse, to little avail. Sadly the resolution stage looms where, to avoid further marital discord, he meekly surrenders and gains martyrdom, blooming into a full-blown Presbyopiate. By which time, as it’s time to drop the curtain, our hero has fully surrendered, and the battle has been thumpingly won by the Press!

To be fair, a few cases of rebellion have been reported, and even a few escapes have been engineered by enterprising Presbyopiates wishing to write their own script, but at the time of going to Press, none have been known to’ve succeeded. Sure, some Press feathers have been ruffled by ugly domestic spats particularly on evenings where free invites have been plentiful, but since these have occurred safely between four walls in most instances, such cases have rarely been reported or have come to light. Suffice it to presume, that the Press has been all-powerful, even in the most democratic of setups, primarily because it has what it sees as the reasoning that always trumps: ‘Since I am Press and you are spouse, whatever I have ‘earned’ is yours to enjoy, by law and implication’ – Q.E.D.

Not that it’s all tragic, of course. There are some lighter moments in the story: when a Presbyopiate is sometimes confused with the Press, by lesser mortals, for instance. The smile accompanying ‘Which magazine will you be writing for, sir?’ quickly turns to a frozen face with an ‘Oh!’ when told that it is the wife who will actually do the writing, is an oft-encountered situation. But among the most hilarious has to be when one was addressed as ‘Mr Meenu’, as a derivative husband of ‘Ms Meenu’, a practice in complete deference to the supremacy of the Press!

Comedy aside, Presbyopiates soon come to accept their situation, some rather more good-naturedly than others, and this is evident in most of the talk that passes between them and other Presbyopiates who expectedly flock together at many Press Dos. So, a question such as ‘Hello, Mr Meenu, how are the kids – haven’t seen them lately – don’t get them to parties anymore, eh?’ would probably be greeted with a mumble of ‘Oh hi. Er, they, had a friend over…’ (when, of course in reality one wouldn’t want to corrupt them just yet) have been overheard.

Coming to terms with one’s social situation is one thing, but facing those demons in the head, where one principle too many are often stuck, is one helluva fight, and is bound to have side effects in the long run, such as loss of balance, appetite, or worse, hair.

Some day, when this species is studied a bit more, mankind will gather sufficient knowledge to understand and appreciate its peculiar situation. Perhaps some enterprising scholars will take on the mighty Press and question some of its best practices, thereby giving Presbyopiates a hope before early extinction. But till then, we will look forward to another perplexing question: do most Presbyopiates bald sooner than the average human?

To my sons

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. It also disconnects heads, I believe. And sometimes, if we’re not careful, it might even tear apart souls.

Not possible, you’d think, in a global scenario where distances, differences, even nationalities are collapsing at the touch of a few keystrokes on computers or mobile phones, or flying at the wings of airplanes or wheels of fast cars.

Yet, I feel the distance creeping into our relationships. Not probably into the relationship the two of you share: not yet, but, I feel, between you, collectively and individually and me.

I realize that as you grow, there’s a diminishing value that I can add to your lives. At least in the conventional parent-gives-child context, that we’re so used to. It’s already amply clear that you are better drivers than I, and far more likely to participate in rallies. Similarly; I can hardly offer any worthwhile addition to your learning in your respective fields of study. Or, for that matter, in matters of dressing, grooming or the social graces, where I believe you’re already ahead.

You might argue that you still need emotional support from me, particularly in times of crisis, and just ‘be there’. True, I will fulfill that role as long as I’m around, but really, can you truly say that this too, will not diminish gradually as other influences take root in your lives?

So, how can we save, indeed, improve our relationship despite the distances that will likely remain or grow in the years to come? Cliché-d as it may sound; we need to work at moving this relationship into a friend-gives-friend, or even, a child-gives-parent one, over time.

How? By sharing little things: the seemingly unimportant ones, if you like, more frequently. For I firmly believe, it’s through these that we will end up adding value to each others’ lives. After all, learning, at all stages, happens less through formal means, don’t you agree? Think about it: as children, you picked up much more by observing than through books; and now, more than ever, much of your growth happens outside classrooms. What you learnt from teachers and parents was not what they ‘taught’ you, but by what you imbibed from their speech, actions, and relationships. Similarly, when you share your thoughts with elders now, you will pick up invaluable tips and insights through the way they approach life, issues, tasks, anything. Precisely the thought behind apprenticeship, you’ll appreciate: in many trades, such as film-making and law, you become better by observing more mature minds at work. What you learn may not be earth-shatteringly different from what you expected in the first place, or vastly opposed to how you would tackle things your own way, but certainly it’s of great value. Take it or leave it, or synthesize it into your knowledge at some point: the choice is yours.

But ‘sharing’ is easier said than done, especially with parents. You’ll agree most of our chats are often oriented towards specific problems today. Nothing wrong with that, of course, because these need to be tackled forthwith, and together we do manage to fix them, nine times out of ten. But over time, let’s try and establish contact beyond the strictly need-based. I’d prefer to work towards the free-wheeling, thinking-aloud type sharing you do with friends, or with a diary, if that’s possible.

Understandably, face-to-face situations are better suited for this sort of exchange, but considering that we get, and are likely to get even less of, such opportunities, maybe we could make the best use of other options offered by technology such as mobile phones or Skype.

One other thing. When we exchange thus, it’s possible that parent or child roles will creep in. But that’s only to be expected, and to my mind can be worked around. In other words, pick out the gems from the stones by overlooking those tones and postures. You’ll likely find it easier to deal with your parents in this manner, I’d like to believe; and who knows, one day they might just become your best friends!

Whether that happens or not, ultimately, there’s another important relationship you guys need to worry about. And that’s the one between brother and brother: a relationship far more important than the one between us. Share despite distances: a thought I needn’t labour, I’m sure, but keeping in mind my own experience, would urge you to protect and nurture.

Here’s looking forward to more shared times, then, wherever we are…

Your ‘friendly’ dad.

Is this a good time to speak, God?

I just read a very moving letter (see below), purportedly written by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the famous writer from Colombia who’s said to be suffering from terminal cancer, in the form of a farewell piece to his friends, talking, as you might’ve guessed, about what all (good things) he would do if he had a little more time to live. Such things not only prove why a writer like him is admired so much, but also bring your own mortality into sharp focus, and set you thinking.

At what point in one's life does one start thinking about God? I don’t mean, of course, the tendency to scream His name out loud when things are not going right or when we are incredulous about others’ shortcomings, but more about that middle-age watershed when we start introspecting, doing good things, being peaceful, helping others, following alternative careers, and putting on that ever-smiling, benign, I’ve-understood-all-there-is-to-about-life-and-so-sad-you-haven’t-yet face.

In the developed world there is some evidence that this age is being pushed further, with stressful (sometimes double) careers, plastic surgery, second (third and fourth) marriages, high divorce rates and eternal single parenthood. On the other hand, stuff like imported mysticism, organic food, power yoga, early retirement and now, a deep recession have created enough conditions to actually advance that age.

In contrast, one can argue that we in the developing (shall we say Eastern) world have always had a strong sense of spirituality in-built into our systems, and have a habit of dialling (and getting through to God) more often. Not to mention the host of souls who’ve made it a profession or a personality-trait early on in life, to espouse His Cause, or live His Lifestyle to the exclusion of everything else.

But what is a good age to start a dialogue with Him for Easterners who have been brought up in a more or less Western milieu? In other words, for those who were bred in a modern rational environment, but refuse to get rid of the Eastern value-system embedded in them? I ask this in all earnestness as one who’s fast approaching the half-century age-mark, but still unable to grasp the seriousness of it all.

Should I stop colouring (whatever’s left of) my hair now? Stop going to the gym, listening to rock and jazz, wearing fitting jeans and T-shirts and look the other way when a PYT passes by? Should I give up my career and instead switch to one where I’m more ‘connected’? And begin reading ‘Godly’ books and posting mystical statuses regularly on my Facebook?

Thing is, every time I look at a friend who’s seemingly ‘transcended’ this world, smile benignly at me and unstatingly urge me in the same direction, I develop cold feet. To be true, there is a sense of awe and inspiration at said person’s special abilities combined with self-derision at not being able to catch up, but mostly, there’s a deep sense of denial of the whole idea.

You may call it a reluctance to give up youth. Or, stupidity and vanity of not accepting the realities of middle age. But the fact is, I don’t think I’m ready yet. Not ready to don saffron, grow my beard long and leave my hair unkept, wear a stupid smile on my face, retire to the hills, start chanting, or even, write a letter to my friends and children prior to an impending exit.

Is it a feeling that my children have not ‘settled’ yet? Or a sense of duty and responsibility that my middle-class mind has not given up so far, that comes in the way? It would be tempting to ascribe it to such things, but I’m convinced it’s not all that.
On the contrary, it’s a feeling that I have not done enough in this life yet, not for others, but for myself. There’s more to do still, hills to be climbed, vales to be conquered, and miles to go before I sleep.

Plus, there’s a strong belief that God is in everything we do, and is not a new, or ultimate phase of our lives. All we really need to do is keep Him in mind while performing all the small, seemingly irrelevant everyday things, like being good to others and being generally moral. That’s all!

Not so long ago, on a particularly fun stretch on a long drive, we (my wife and I) had penned down a list of THINGS-TO-DO-IN-THE-NEXT-10-YEARS. We haven’t discussed that with too many people, and I’m certainly not about to post it up here, but we do occasionally look it up to remind ourselves. Maybe we’ll revisit it more often now. Maybe we’ll start adding to that list, or hopefully, striking off those that’ve been accomplished.

Does that mean God and all saintly things will take a back seat in my life for some more time, then? Maybe that’s the wrong question to ask, for after all I am an Easterner, and qualify with a little bit of God already in me. In any case, I’m clear about one thing: I’m not in a hurry to write a letter like Gabo’s to my friends. Not just yet! For I believe I already do at least a couple of the things mentioned in that letter (see below)!

A FAREWELL LETTER FROM A GENIUS (Reproduced - Circulating on the web)

Gabriel Garcia Marquez, famous writer from Colombia (familiarly known as "Gabo" in his native country) and Nobel prize winner for literature in 1982, retired from public life for reasons of health.

He has a form of cancer which is terminal. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends and it has been circulated around the Internet.

It is recommended reading because it is moving to see how one of the best and most brilliant of writers expresses himself with sorrow and regret:

"If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability. I wouldn't possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say. I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express...

I would sleep less, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.

I would walk while others stop; I would stay awake while others sleep.

If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy….

To all, I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love….

I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.

To old people I would say that death doesn't arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness. I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.

I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father's finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.

I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground..

Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul…

If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say "I love you".

There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.

Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn't wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.

Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them "I am sorry", "forgive me", "please", "thank you", and all those loving words you know!

Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.

For you, With much love,
Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Un abrazo
02 de julio de 2009
Y son las 15:30