We all know that labels can be misleading. In fact, we’ve known that for quite sometime—ever since advertising began, one might say. Which is why when a label says ‘guaranteed to grow hair in 10 days’ we don’t really trust the bottle that says it, do we? Yet, we fall for it, nine out of ten cases. Why? And this is exclusively my belief—you don’t have to agree—it’s because inside each one of us believes in the innate goodness of man—and we therefore like to believe the claim—even though it’s clear to our rational head that there’s no hope in hell, of hair growing on a balding pate, no matter how much goodness or magic you squeeze into that little bottle.
Often—and this is where advertising fails us—the intrinsic product lets us down equally badly. Something that we learnt, much to our dismay, one more time, on our recent trip to Germany.
So here we were, walking out of a stunning old cathedral (‘kirch’ in Germany—which I suspect is some Nazi mutilation of ‘church’) in Hamburg, muttering how beautiful the stained glass work was and how they managed to make the churches sooooo tall in those days, etc, etc, and just as we crossed the street, blinking our eyes to get accustomed to the sudden light, what did we see? Another church across the road!
Had the sign on it not read ‘The Church of Scientology’, we would’ve politely given it a miss—after all how many churches can you see in a day! But wait a minute, this was different—wasn’t Scientology the buzzword we wanted to know more about—the apparent non-religious way of living made so famous by Tom Cruise and scores of other celebrities? Should we or shouldn’t we approach the apparent contradiction across the street, we wondered? Did we really want to waste our precious sightseeing hours on something we could always find out more about on the Internet? Especially since we were so hungry? Fifteen minutes, we finally reasoned, could do us, our stomachs, or our schedule no great harm, and so, like the chicken, we crossed the street.
As we walked into the ‘Church’, we couldn’t help but be drawn to what seemed like a mini-exhibition of books. All by the same author. But, more about that later.
‘Can I help you’, came a sweet voice from behind the pile of books, and we looked up to see a young lady at what seemed like the ‘Reception’, smiling at us. Very, un-‘Church’ like I remember telling myself, as we approached her and told her, in as casual a tone that we could muster, ‘Er, we wanted to um, know a little more about Scientology’.
‘What exactly would you like to know?’ her eyes twinkled.
‘Well, what really is it, and how it’s different from other, er, religions,’ we countered.
The smile widened, and I bet I saw a hint of ‘Aha’ in those eyes as she hesitated and then said, ‘If you give me a minute, I’ll have somebody answer your questions. Please wait here,’ and she walked off, to reappear exactly half a minute later with a gentleman, who wore a similar smile, but didn’t quite strike me as a priest or an evangelist, I have to say.
‘How much time do you have,’ he asked, his eyes crinkling.
‘Er, 10-15 minutes,’ we offered, in terribly Indian standard terms, quite impressed by this seeming professionalism.
‘In which case, we have a short film that I recommend you watch,’ the gentleman said, in his best German English, ‘which should hopefully answer all your questions, and if not, then I’ll be available right here,’ saying which, he ushered us into a mini theatre, signaling the projectionist to start the movie.
We sank into the plush chairs thankfully, little realizing how tired sightseeing had made us. At the same time, I must admit, a myriad images crossed my mind—big bang destruction (or was it construction) of the Universe, logical science fighting with dogmatic religion in ancient Greece, wise men in flowing robes with snowy white beards, pointing heavenwards even as they held heavy stone tablets, and I don’t know why, but Tom Cruise smiling benignly from a pulpit, holding on to Katie Holmes.
Fact is, we had little idea about Scientology, other than its star-status. Was it a religion with science at its base? Was it steeped in logic? Was it modern jargon about the same values that all other religions preached? It was with quite a bit of trepidation that the wife and I turned to the screen.
And then, it happened. The label, I mean: the misleading label story. For there are no words to describe the rubbish that unfolded on the screen, for the next 25 minutes.
In true 1960s style American rhetoric, the ‘Film’ exhorted you to follow the path shown by L Ron Hubbard. About half of the film (or so it seemed) was about the man himself: He, who had studied mankind and its problems so that you may be free from those (problems), he who’d devoted his life and riches to the service of others, He, who’d founded Scientology. He, who’d shown thousands the way to live. He, who’d incidentally made (masterminded is a better word, perhaps) this wonderful film! Shocked, we saw the other half of the film trying to substantiate (laboriously, I thought) that Scientology had in fact, been accepted as a religion in the USA. And finally, in true Christian tones, exhorted the viewer to not follow the teachings of L Ron Hubbard at his own peril!
25 minutes of footage about what we thought was a religion based upon science—or something even remotely resembling the scientific temperament—and not a single phrase explaining it—this is what it is, this is what we believe in, such and such are its principles, etc. Nothing at all, that our left-brain steeped in analytical education was crying out for—not a clue, in fact. Just egomaniacal, cultish devotion to Hubbard.
Shattered and dazed, we staggered out of the mini-theatre and were immediately joined by the young German ‘evangelist’. Ever-smiling, he ushered us to a table next to the mini-exhibition of books that we’d encountered upon our entry. A trifle impateiently, I asked him to explain what exactly Scientology was, as the film hadn’t helped. As expected, he proceeded to beat around the bush, referring repeatedly to Hubbard’s books—in fact repeatedly picking up copies and leafing through them to show us that there existed a large body of literature about it. Unfortunately, that didn’t quite satisfy us, and disgustedly, I asked him to describe, in one sentence what Scientology was. I even offered him a blank piece of paper and asked him to put it down any other way he could.
I must conclude that the interaction was nothing different from any you’d expect to have with any bigoted priest, pujari or maulvi—tautological, evasive and mildly threatening, all at the same time.
We walked out of the ‘Church of Scientology’ thoroughly disillusioned about both the product and the label, and cursing that we’d not only wasted our precious sightseeing time, but had also grown hungrier than before, headed for the nearest café to assuage a different kind of hunger.
P.S. I deliberately did not wiki scientology and L Ron Hubbard until AFTER writing this entry. What I read afterwards, though (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/L._Ron_Hubbard), sadly, only reaffirms my suspicions about the ‘religion’ of Scientology and its shady, controversial founder. Which of course, raises the vital question: Are Tom Cruise and John Travolta stupid? You’re welcome to arrive at your own answer, of course, but it might help to see http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0624051hubbard1.html.
P.P.S. The picture in the beginning, of course has nothing to do with Scientology. It's the tunnel under Elbe in Hamburg, built many years ago to enable vendors from across the river to reach the Fish Market to sell their perishable produce. In many ways, a symbolic antithesis of Scientology, which creates tunnel vision of a different kind.
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